Guy’s Top 5/Bottom 5 Halloween Candy

While my Trick-Or-Treating days are long behind me these days (No one wants an unannounced grown man showing up at their door – That’s how restraining orders get started), I still have the occasional soft spot for candy.  And around this time of year, candy is even “Fun-Sized”. Think about it: You now know the actual size of “Fun”. Educational AND delicious.
My candy tastes have changed over the years to where I am far more picky, but I still have a few current favorites and nostalgic pics… as well as those treats that simply never worked for me.  Without further ado, here are Guy’s Top 5/Bottom 5 Halloween Candies.


Jelly Bellies

To this day, this is still my favorite candy. The flavors are great and varied, and their small size makes them easy to mindlessly munch on.  As far as taste goes, they really push for “authentic” flavors, and I’m so glad that didn’t have the horrific Harry Potter flavors when I was a kid.

Mellowcreme Pumpkins

People go back and forth on these, but I have a soft spot for these pseudo candy corn pumpkins. Both sweet and nostalgic, it always gives me a tinge of excitement knowing that Halloween is just around the corner when they start putting these in stores… in July.


I’ll never forget when these came out in the ’80’s. What’s not to love about sugar coated with more sugar… but flavored? It seems Nerds are mostly the Strawberry/Grape combos these days (at least that’s all I can find these days), but when they first came out, I loved the double-dipped Nerds that were both Wild Cherry AND Lemonade.


I’m a purist with Starburst: I love the Cherry, Orange, Lemon, and Strawberry packs, and can eat a bag of them when placed in front of me. Sure you can chew them, but I like prolonging the flavor by letting them eventually melt in my mouth.


Tart, tangy, and enough to make your tongue bumpy.  I like Spree, but if you introduce Chewy Spree into the mix, I’m done. Even today, I can’t resist these tasty little treats, and will stockpile them like a squirrel in winter.



This candy had never done it for me.  Never.  Nevermind the fact that they look like poops to me, I have never found a good licorice candy anything that has ever made me say “Please sir, can I have some MORE?”  Strangely, however, I do like red licorice.  Black licorice will perpetually remain dead to me.

Almond Joy

When you start adding things like coconut and almonds to my chocolate bars, you’re dead to me.  I think it’s the textures that creep me out, or the lingering taste.  In either case, if I ever found one of these in my plastic pumpkin, it became a horrible night to have a curse.

Black and Orange Peanut Butter Kisses

Come on, folks, what did I ever do to you?  The hard to peel off wrappers, the super hard candies, and the bland flavor always left me with that sense of . “Oh.  Okay.” whenever one plunked into my candy collection.

Chick Tracts

No one ever owned up to dropping one of these in your Halloween bucket.  They just sort of mysteriously appeared, and you wondered why.  Look, I’ll be honest with you: The average kid’s mind is on candy, how much candy, and how fast they’re going to eat said candy. The costume is a doorway to earn maximum candy, not disappointment.  While now super kitschy and gruesomely quirky to appeal to my grown up self, the average kid’s two main thoughts are upon seeing these are: “Why is this not candy?” and “If I put chocolate on this, could I make it candy?”


Seriously, what the Hell, man?  Minding my own business, and someone tries to leave me with a mess of bees.  There’s something seriously wrong with you, trying to drop all of those unwanted bees off on unsuspecting people.  I don’t care if they’re chocolate covered bees.  It’s just a bad call, Ripley.  A bad call!  I will, however, accept the honey.  But nothing more.