Baltimore Reviews… FLAMECON
September 17, 2017
Guy & Danny Review… GAME OF THRONES: Season 7 – Part Two
September 21, 2017

Guy & Danny Review… GAME OF THRONES: Season 7 – Part One

Game of Thrones Season 7 is officially over! We’ve cheered, we’ve screamed, we’ve wanted to throw things at the TV, and now we’re stuck waiting at least two years(?) before how we see all of this wraps up.  In this shorter season, the battles got crazier, the stakes raised higher, and characters are starting to come together in the final days before the Great Wars begins.  To get this review started, let’s recap the events of the season’s seven episodes, with our thoughts on the season below that:

Episode 1: “Dragonstone”

  • Arya poisons the House of Frey.
  • Samwell discovers that dragonglass is under Dragonstone and needs to tell Jon Snow.
  • Samwell meets Jorah and see his skin condition.
  • The Hound sees a vision in fire while talking to Thoros and becomes a believer of the Lord of Light.
  • Euron, the redneck leader of the Iron Fleet, proposes marriage to Cersei.
  • Daenerys arrives at her old “home” at Dragonstone.
  • Ed Sheeran stops by Westeros because, hey, why not?

Episode 2: “Stormborn”

  • Daenerys sends the Unsullied to Casterly Rock & the Dornishmen with Yara’s fleet to Sunspear.
  • Melisandre shows up and encourages Daenerys to invite Jon Snow to Dragonstone.
  • Grey Worm and Missandei get it on.
  • Cersei elevates Randyll Tarly as Warden of the South.
  • Qyburn shows Cersei a prototype ballista capable of taking down the dragons.
  • Arya meets Hot Pie and learns Jon is back in Winterfell and is King of the North, so she rides that way.
  • Jon gets Samwell’s letter and leaves for Dragonstone & leaves Sansa in charge of Winterfell.
  • Samwell starts applying a forbidden treatment on Jorah’s skin condition
  • Euron’s fleet attacks Yara’s.  Obara & Nymeria (of the Sand Snakes) are killed.  Ellaria, Tyene & Yara are captured.
  • Theon “reek-outs” and instead of challenging Euron, he jumps into the sea.
  • Arya and Nymeria briefly reunite.

Episode 3: “The Queen’s Justice”

  • Jon arrives at Dragonstone.
  • Daenerys demands Jon “bend the knee”.
  • Tyrion convinces Daenerys to allow Jon to mine the dragonglass on the island.
  • Bran arrives at Winterfell and helps Sansa remember her wedding night in the most creepy way.
  • Euron returns to Cersei with Ellaria & Tyene as gifts for her & she promises to marry him after the war is won & awards him with co-control of her military which pisses Jamie off.
  • Cersei gives the same poison to Tyene that was used to kill her daughter, Myrcella, and forces Ellaria to watch her daughter’s impending death.
  • Jorah is healed!  He leaves to find Daenerys because that boy be thirsty.
  • Grey Worm and Unsullied attack Casterly Rock, but find it mostly abandoned.
  • Jaime leads most of the Lannister forces to attack Highgarden, while Euron’s fleet ambushes & destroys the Unsullied’s ships.
  • Lannister army overwhelms Olenna’s army at Highgarden and he has her drink poison, but afterwards she confesses that she was the one who poisoned Joffrey and then puts on her sunglasses, kicks back, and dies like a boss.

Episode 4: “The Spoils of War”

  • Arya makes it to Winterfell.  Re-unites with Sansa and they braid each other’s hair and giggle about boys.
  • Arya spars with Brienne and both figure out that Arya is pretty much a badass as expected.
  • Bran says “later” to Meera in the most “whatever” way imaginable (is he even still Bran)?
  • Littlefinger give Bran the dagger that was previously used to try and assassinate him.
  • Cersei sends the Iron Bank a shit ton of gold that she just captured from Highgarden and it is making its way to King’s Landing and this gives Mark Gratis a big boner
  • In a cave filled with dragonglass, Jon shows Daenerys ancient paintings that depict the First men & the Children of the Forest joining forces against the undead.
  • Daenerys learns about Highgarden being attacked and how Casterly Rock was merely a distraction, so going against Tyrion’s protests, she climbs on the back of Drogon and leads the Dothraki calvary to go smash up the Lannister army & burn people and the rest are captured.
  • Drogon is wounded during the fight by a spear fired from the prototype ballista manned by Bronn, the man with the biggest dong
  • Jaime see Daenerys in a vulnerable position when she assesses Drogon’s wound and he tries to attack by charging on horseback but Drogon spews fire at him and Bronn tackles Jamie and they both are thrown deep into the river.  SPLOOSH.

Episode 5: “Eastwatch”

  • Jamie and Bronn return for King’s Landing and Jamie tells Cersei, “Look babe, them Dragons are real and that blonde chick controls them.  We fucked.  But really, we’re super fucked because her Dothraki fight 100 times better than any of our Lannister army guys.”
  • Daenerys has Drogon burn both Randyll and Dickon Tarly for remaining allegiant to Cersei and NOT bending the knee, despite Tyrion’s advice to spare them.
  • Jorah shows up to Dragonstone and has a nice “friendly” reunion with Daenerys but he does NOT get to tap that booty.  It’s the friendliest friending in all of friendom.  #friendzone
  • Jon decides to travel beyond the wall and capture a wight so that they can take it to Cersei and convince her to form a temporary alliance with them.
  • Davos sneaks Tyrion inside King’s Landing so that he can have a secret meeting with Jamie and offer a truce.  Jaime tells Cersei and she accepts and then tells Jaime that she is preggers thanks to him.
  • Davos meets with Gendry who we have not seen since SEASON 1 and takes him back to Dragonstone.
  • Samwell gets tired of all the old farts at the Citadel just sitting on their asses and not listening to him OR to Maester Wolkan’s warning and so he decides to steal several books from the restricted section and leaves with Gilly and Little Sam to head to Winterfell.
  • Littlefinger notices Arya spying on him, so he leads her to his room so that she can find a letter written by Sansa.
  • Finally, the REAL Suicide Squad is formed, when Jon, Jorah, Gendry team up with the Hound, the Brotherhood and a group of Free Folk led by Tormund and they all leave Eastwatch, pass the Wall with the intention of finding and capturing a wight to show Cersei that the Army of the Dead is real, yo.

Episode 6: “Beyond the Wall”

  • Littlefinger plots of isolating Sansa.
  • Tension arises between Sansa and Arya following the discovery of the letter Sansa sent as a child begging for Robb’s fealty to Joffrey.
  • Sansa discovers Arya’s bag of faces that she took from Braavos.
  • “I want to make babies with her. Think of them, great big monsters. They’d conquer the world.”  We love you, Tormund.
  • Beyond the Wall, Jon and his suicide squad manage to capture a wight, but afterwards, they are surrounded by the White Walker army.
  • Jon has Gendry reenact Chariots of Fire and run ALLLLLLLLL the way back to Eastwatch so that a raven can be sent to Daenerys to ask for her help.
  • While Jon’s group waits, Thoros freezes to death overnight.
  • Daenerys arrives with her dragons and saves the group.
  • The Night King throws a spear of ice at Viserion and KILLS it!
  • Daenerys and the others fly off but Jon is left behind because he’s still fighting.
  • Benjen Stark comes out of fucking NOWHERE and sacrifices himself to allow Jon to escape on the horse that Benjen rode in on from FUCKING NOWHERE.
  • Jon makes it back to Dragonstone and his wounds are tended to while he’s passed out in a bed and when he wakes up, Daenerys is there waiting to speak to him and he pledges himself and the North to her as Queen.
  • The Night King pulls the ultimate Necromancer move and brings Viserion back to life and makes the dragon part of his army and in fact, makes it is vehicle of choice.

Episode 7: “The Dragon and the Wolf”

  • At King’s Landing, we have the ultimate meetup.com event full of GoT characters that you’ve been waiting for YEARS for them to see each other.  Very few of these characters like each other.  The tension is so thick that you need Valyrian steel to cut it.
  • The captured walker is set free, and holy shit, is it the most terrifying that they’ve ever been.  Cersei actually shows some intelligence by being genuinely afraid of it, and Euron is like “Nope”, and leaves.
  • Cersei demands that Jon to be neutral in the Great War, but he’s a doofus and can’t lie and tells her that he already pledged his loyalty to Daenerys and dat booty and there aren’t take backs.
  • This pisses Cersei off and she’s like “later bitches” and leaves.
  • Tyrion who is completely SOBER at this point, decides to meet privately with Cersei to persuade her to ally with them, which she agrees to.  She also lets Tyrion live even though she does think about having the Mountain hack his head off.
  • Cersei later tells Jaime that she lied about the alliance and instead she intends to use the Golden Company of Braavos to secure her hold on Westeros.
  • This pisses Jaime off and he leaves her and rides north.  Surprisingly, she lets him rather than have the Mountain hack off his head.
  • On a boat bound for White Harbor, Jon and Daenerys get it on WHILE at the same time, Samwell arrives at Winterfell, meets Bran and they both discuss who’s Jon’s parents REALLY are.  They realise that Jon is a trueborn Targaryen named Aegon and valid heir to the Iron Throne because his daddy was Rhaegar Targaryen and his momma was Lyanna Stark (who married in secret).
  • At Eastwatch, The Night King rides on the back of the undead Viserion whose blue flame does severe damage to the Wall and allows the Army of the Dead to march south.

Join us soon for Part 2, where we’ll get into what Danny and Guy each thought of this last new season, and where Game of Thrones can go from here.

 

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